Sexual intimacy is more than just physical connection—it involves sharing a deep emotional bond with your partner. While you can have one without the other (sex without emotional intimacy, or emotional intimacy without sex), true sexual intimacy combines both. Fortunately, there are several ways to nurture and improve sexual intimacy in your relationship—both with your partner and yourself.
Ways to Build Sexual Intimacy
It’s natural for couples to feel disconnected or lose their sexual spark over time, especially in long-term relationships. However, there are plenty of ways to reignite that spark and deepen your sexual connection.
1. Explore Self-Pleasure
Sexual intimacy isn’t just about engaging with your partner—it also starts with you. By understanding what brings you pleasure on your own, you’ll become more confident in sharing those desires with your partner.
“Get comfortable with your own pleasure,” says sex therapist Candice Cooper-Lovett, PhD, LMFT. “Explore different forms of self-pleasure, whether that’s through masturbation, reading erotica, or listening to audio stories.” Understanding what excites you can enhance your communication with your partner and help you explore new things together.
2. Schedule Sex
While spontaneity can be fun, scheduling sex can help ensure it happens, especially when both partners have busy lives. Many couples find that when they put sex on the calendar, it becomes a priority. As Cooper-Lovett points out, “Sometimes, scheduling sex can help keep it top of mind and prevent it from being neglected.”
3. Experience New Things Together
Emotional intimacy plays a big role in sexual intimacy. Try engaging in activities outside of the bedroom to deepen your bond. This could be anything from taking a cooking class together, trying out a new hobby, or going on an adventure. These shared experiences help create emotional closeness, which can make physical intimacy even more fulfilling.
4. Explore Outercourse
Outercourse—sexual activities that don’t involve penetrative sex—can be a great way to reconnect with your partner without the pressure of intercourse. This can be anything from touching, kissing, or even “dry humping.” Outercourse builds sexual tension and intimacy while allowing you to explore different forms of physical connection.
The beauty of outercourse is that it can serve as a low-pressure way to experiment and build trust with your partner, especially if you want to try new things but aren’t yet ready for full penetration.
5. Put Your Desires in Writing
If you’re shy or find it difficult to communicate your sexual needs in person, try texting or writing them down. Cooper-Lovett recommends using written communication like sexting as a way to initiate and explore desires with your partner. It’s often easier to express yourself in writing than it is in person, and many couples find sexting to be an exciting way to maintain sexual intimacy even when apart.
6. Understand the Characteristics of Sexually Intimate People
To foster greater sexual intimacy, it can help to understand what traits sexually intimate people tend to have. These people often communicate openly, are comfortable with vulnerability, and prioritize connection over just physical acts. Recognizing these characteristics can guide you in cultivating them in your own relationship.
The Benefits of Sexual Intimacy
Building sexual intimacy in your relationship has numerous advantages:
- Better Mental Health: Research has shown that couples who maintain an active sex life, especially during challenging times like the COVID-19 lockdowns, report lower levels of anxiety and depression.
- Stronger Emotional Intimacy: Sexual intimacy often strengthens the emotional connection between partners, leading to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
- Higher Relationship Satisfaction: Couples who enjoy satisfying sex lives often experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction. An unsatisfying sex life can lead to tension and dissatisfaction.
- Better Sleep: The release of oxytocin during orgasm can help you sleep better by promoting relaxation and reducing stress.
Potential Risks of Neglecting Sexual Intimacy
While being sexually intimate has clear benefits, neglecting intimacy can lead to various issues:
- Negative Feelings About Sex: If sex becomes unenjoyable or infrequent, it may lead to a cycle of avoidance. This can exacerbate the problem and create further distance between partners.
- Weakened Immune System: A lack of sexual activity has been linked to a weakened immune system, making you more susceptible to illness.
- Vaginal Atrophy: A lack of sexual activity, whether with a partner or through self-pleasure, can reduce blood flow to the vagina, leading to vaginal atrophy. This can cause discomfort during sex and increase the risk of urinary tract infections or incontinence.
Final Thoughts
Sexual intimacy is an important aspect of any romantic relationship, but it requires effort and communication to thrive. By embracing self-pleasure, scheduling time for connection, exploring new experiences together, and being open to different forms of intimacy, you can reignite the passion in your relationship. Above all, remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling close, connected, and supported by your partner in every aspect of your relationship.